How to deconstruct a woman’s thoughts

The only accurate guide to what women say vs what they mean


By Alice Peter-Bhagtaney

KARACHI: I have something to tell you guys: I am a woman who is not in the business of letting a guy think he has me all figured out. Not in a “I’m better than you, worship me” kind of way. But in the way that I sometimes say things I don’t really mean and mean things I don’t really say. And while usually I expect people to suck it up and deal with it, today I am feeling rather gracious so I will reveal to you some of the inner-workings of my brain. Are you ready?

1. “I’m fine”

This two-word bomb is one I like to throw around quite a lot. It is a real head-scratcher and causes a lot of panic at the other end.

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What it means: I can’t quite wrap my head around why you said what you said on October 23, 2013, at 6pm but other than that I’m great. Although the situation can change once I do figure out how I feel about it now. And once I say what I have to say about it, I will feel better than fine.

2. “I’m not thinking about anything”

What I don’t understand is why guys are so interested in knowing what we’re thinking at all times. Like I could be thinking about why I can’t find a good bustier from any of the lingerie shops in Karachi. Seriously, my thoughts don’t concern you most of the time. Give it up.

What it means: It really is true that I’m not thinking about anything regarding YOU. Because that’s mainly what you’re interested in knowing. But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about why I can never get the glowing/dewy makeup look right.

3. “You can go, if you want”

This one is quite simple. And I expect everybody to know the meaning of this by heart.

What it means: Abort mission. Don’t go

4. “Ya sure, we can go out”

For starters, any response to going out should definitely be taken as “I’ll probably bail on you last minute.”

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What it means: I want to stay home in my sweatpants and fart freely while I watch a movie and bury my face in junk.

5. “I’m not interested”

Now this is the one you must pay close attention to. This is really the most important one to understand. If you get this, you will have championed knowing how a woman’s brain works.

What it means: I’m not interested

Thank you for joining my class.

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