How to ‘apologise’ like a sexual harasser

Learn from Weinstein, Spacey and co, and have that gracious-loser face ready

By Manal Faheem Khan

KARACHI: Another day, another sexual offender (ie Morgan Freeman) is exposed. The The Shawshank Redemption actor, famous for his voice-overs, has been accused of sexually harassing several women and to be honest, it came as a shock. There was always something wise and grandfatherly about him, or at least that’s how he was portrayed.

Regardless, one thing has become certain and that is this: no one is safe anymore. Poor men have to worry about how to protect themselves now that they can be exposed any minute on social media. So we’re suggesting that men prepare their gracious-loser face already. You know, the face actors make when they lose awards and the camera is on them to record their reaction? Before the shit-storm hits the Internet, it’s best to have your apology ready. It will make you look kinder and more humane.

1. “I did it. Actually I didn’t. JK, it was me”

Harvey Weinstein is the man who started it all so we’ll start with him. Technically, he’s not the first sexual offender, but you know what we mean.  “I so respect all women and regret what happened,” is what he said in a statement to the New York Times, and then sent it to the BBC as well. It continued: “I cannot be more remorseful about the people I hurt and I plan to do right by all of them.” However, later, his second lawyer refuted all the claims, saying that the case depended on hearsay. We like this tactic. It confuses masses and chooses them to pick an opinion. “Divide and conquer!”

2. “I didn’t do it but if you think I did then I’m sorry, I guess”

Here is Morgan Freeman’s statement: “Anyone who knows me or has worked with me knows I am not someone who would intentionally offend or knowingly make anyone feel uneasy. I apologise to anyone who felt uncomfortable or disrespected — that was never my intent.” This one is perhaps the best kind. It makes you sound apologetic but then also points out that you had NO idea that you were sexually harassing someone in the first place. In the words of King Julien from Madagascar, “What’s a bite on the butt amongst friends?”

3. “But I was intoxicated”

This one might not work here because being intoxicated is haraam and nobody does it, right? But still, you could blame it on the sasti cigarettes that you got from the paan ka khokha. “I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years,” is what Kevin Spacey said after news came out of sexually harassing a minor.

And there you have it. Learn from the pros and watch your back!

This story is a work of satire. 

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